The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He felt like a one man threesome
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
the liver wants what the liver wants
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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