He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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