This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
