so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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