Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
