As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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