His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
