if you like me you must not know who I am
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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