Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
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you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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