I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
