So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
