I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
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