i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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