I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it hurts more in the daytime
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
