we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
