I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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