But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
