my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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