Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
