You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
