wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
