last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
