if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
