I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
