If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
