I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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