UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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