New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
