I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
