i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
