Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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