I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
