I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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