you would pick up someone in the library
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
