Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
