Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
