a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Two words: blizzard sex
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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