watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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