I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We're not piercing ourselves today.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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