i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just found a bag of teeth...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
