You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
