I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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