I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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