I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
