Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
vagina is talking i cant
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
