If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I pour the whiskey from now on
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
