D3 body, D1 cock
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Can vaginas get frostbite?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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