before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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