The maid of honor just puked.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
