I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
And then he peed in my hair
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