I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
