i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
