Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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