apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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