I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
