I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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