I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
