Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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