i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
