All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
