No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
