im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
