She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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